As we
examine various problems within the home, today we will notice the one problem
that is the greatest source of trouble – poor communication.
It has been said that poor communication is the number one destroyer of
marriages and homes. One study
revealed that 86% of divorces were fueled by deficient communication. Most
problems are escalated or even spin out of control when there is poor
communication. For example: as revealed last week, while money may not be the
number one cause of divorce, it is often the problem that starts the trouble.
Failure to properly communicate about the problem turns it into something
much greater and leads to far more serious problems that will rapidly destroy
the relationship. When we blame,
accuses, criticize, argue and even curse one another, the problem that started
it all is still there and now far worse damage has occurred, sometimes
irreparable, as confidence and trust are destroyed.
This is why it is important that we learn to properly communicate with
one another.
Yet as you study the Bible you
will find that learning to communicate is very important in every avenue of
life, especially in the home. Our
lesson today will address the problem of communication within the family and
present some principles that will help us learn HOW to communicate in a way that
is pleasing to God. Next week, we
will continue studying this problem by examining from God’s word how to argue.
A.
What is communication?
1.
English word from a Latin word that means “to make common”.
The KVJ, uses the word “communicated”
in Philippians 4:15 from the Greek word that is often translated
“fellowship”. Communication
is “sharing”.
2.
Webster defines the word “communicate” as “1)Archaic, to share;
2)to convey knowledge of or information about”
The word “communication” is,
3)a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a
common system of symbols, signs or behavior.” (Webster’s New Coll. Dict.)
3.
Ultimately, communication is “understanding and sharing meaning.”
It is a process that
results in another comprehending your intended message.”
Thus it is than moving the mouth and uttering sounds
NOTICE in these definitions
that communication is a two-way street – there is both conveying the
message and receiving the message. Effective
communication involves intereaction.
4.
When we speak of communication within the family, we are speaking
about the efforts that are being put forth to properly and completely
understand one another - whether it be the husband and his wife, or parents
and their children.
B.
God communicates with us
1.
We can understand the importance of communication by realizing how
God communicated with us.
2.
He has given us His word – which was written for the common man
with the intent that he understand His will for us, cf. Ephesians 3:3-4,
5:17, 2 Peter 1:3, etc.
3.
In addition to this we have the avenue of prayer through which we
speak to Him. Romans
8:26
even tells us that the Spirit intercedes on our behalf so that what we ask
is asked properly.
C.
The Bible deals with communication
1.
Proverbs
18:21
– death and life are in the power of the tongue
2.
James
1:19
issues this warning – be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
3.
James 3:2-3 – clear instructions concerning the tongue about our
conversations
4.
Matthew
12:34
-37 – Jesus reveals that words reveal who you really are
5.
Proverbs
16:24
– “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing the
bones.”
6.
Proverbs 25:11 – “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in
settings of silver.”
7.
Families need to communicate – 1 Peter 3:7 – husbands are to
dwell with their wives with understanding; Ephesians 6:4 – fathers are to
teach their children, Heb. 12:9-10 – we need to correct our children (a
form of communication).
D.
There are many family problems that are caused by poor communication
1.
Families are torn apart because of a failure to communicate.
It is truly sad when parents to don’t speak more than a few words
in a day with their children. They
only see their spouse for a few moments in the morning and evening.
This cannot be healthy to their relationship.
2.
Sometimes problems are a result of saying the wrong things – all
that is heard is destructive criticism, yelling, bickering, nagging and what
is wrong. Nothing productive is
ever found in conversations.
3.
Children grow up feeling worthless and failures, or they develop a
bad concept about how they ought to treat their own family.
4.
The failure of parents to properly teach their children God’s word
and biblical principles results in spiritual ignorance.
Is it no wonder when they leave home they want nothing to do with
God.
5.
Often poor communication leads to more serious problems.
Sometimes the problems are escalated because of what is said or what
is not said. Sometimes
additional problems are created. A
spouse needs someone to talk to, so she turns to another man (or
vice-versa). They turn to drugs
or other addictions trying to escape the misery of their homes and failed
relationships.
One source even pointed out that there are actually some spouses who will
start fights just to hear the voice of their spouse.
How sad when a relationship reaches that point.
A.
DO communicate
1. The strongest
relationships are those where you can talk about ANYTHING.
2. These are
relationships where you DO talk. That
does not mean that every conversation is dealing with some serious concern
or even about something important or serious.
They talk about everything and enjoy one another’s conversation.
3. WHAT makes our
relationship with God as strong as it ought to be?
Communication! God speaks
to us and we listen. And we
speak with Him often. We cast
our cares upon Him.
B.
Remember the Golden Rule
1. Matthew
7:12
– it applies to EVERYTHING, including our conversation
2. Before we speak or
communicate, we ought to ask, “Would I want to be talked to that way?”
3. The golden rule
would change many a conversation, both within and without the home.
C.
Does my conversation violate God’s word?
1. Ephesians 4:29-32
– notice what Paul says about the way we talk.
When we communicate are we guilty of gossip?
IS what we said in anger? Is
it clean? Is it truthful? (
4:25
) – Sometimes we twist our words to favor us over the complete truth.
We “embellish” it or conveniently leave out parts.
We accept none of the blame when we really know better.
2. If our
conversations involve ANYTHING of a sinful nature, we ought not to speak
that way.
D.
Be as clear as possible
1.
The more important the conversation, the more specific we need to be.
It has been said that much of what is said is misunderstood.
2.
Try to understand the one you are communicating with.
Put yourself in their shoes. We
need to realize that everyone does not think the same way we do.
They may not hear something the same way you meant it to be said.
But you can be specific.
Peter told husbands to dwell
with their wives with understanding – 1 Peter 3:7.
What does it mean to understand your wife?
It means you put forth effort to figure out her needs, your
differences, etc.
3.
Paul wrote 2 Corinthians to correct distortions about what he had
written in 1 Corinthians.
God’s word was written on
a level that the common man could understand what is expected of him –
Ephesians 5:17.
4.
If you are not sure, clarify. This
especially applies to the listener. If
you don’t understand something, ASK!
5.
One author on communication has pointed out that you CAN communicate
clearly enough so that there is no mistake about what you intend to say –
It involves making a practical application that they can clearly relate to.
Examples of this in the Bible include:
a. Nathan as he confronted
David concerning his sins. He
told the parable and waited for David’s answer in anger.
Then he made an application that could NOT be misunderstood, “You
are the man”
b. Jesus often spoke in
parables. He took a common,
everyday situation that they were familiar with – shepherding sheep,
fishermen, planting crops, etc. He
then made the spiritual application, explaining the kingdom of heaven.
Consider the parable of the Good Samaritan in answering the question,
“Who is my neighbor?” (Luke 10:29). Or His inquiry at the house of Simon
(not Peter) in Luke
7:41
-42.
Jesus used this occasion to rebuke him for not being hospitable and
being overly critical of a woman in their midst.
6.
Choose your words carefully – words mean things.
Proverbs
10:19
says, “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains
his lips is wise.”
Again, James said to be
slow to speak – that means you carefully weigh your words.
E.
Understand Criticism
1.
We know there is a time when we need to offer criticism to someone.
We call this “constructive criticism”.
We are offering advice or an evaluation of a situation with the
intent of making him better.
2.
But MOST criticism is nothing more than fault finding.
And when that is all you are doing, you are sinning! And if too much
of it is meted out, it will destroy families and other relationships.
a. The Bible speaks of
clamor – Ephesians 4:31. When
one constantly nags, complains and picks apart every little flaw of their
spouse or children, they are not helping their family.
b. Proverbs 15:1, “A
soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
c. Proverbs
10:12
– Hatred stirs up strife;
15:18
– a wrathful man stirs up strife; 28:25 – He who is of a proud heart
stirs up strife; 29:22 – an angry man stirs up strife.
Criticism is often a product of these types of attitudes.
And criticism will stir up strife.
F.
A Time to Listen
1.
Again, James 1:19 – be swift to hear and slow to speak.
There are times when silence is needed – Proverbs 11:12, “…a
man of understanding holds his peace”
2.
Much of what is misunderstood happens because we do not listen.
And I don’t mean we don’t hear the audible sounds, or perhaps the
words. The point is we are not
trying to perceive what is being said.
3.
There are many who have to have things their way and they will not
listen to anything anyone else says. This
becomes a problem when they are WRONG and they will be wrong at some point!
4.
But there is a time when we need to speak up – sometimes the worst
thing you can say is nothing. If
you are leaving a false sense of spiritual security, it is time to warn
instead of keeping quiet. Why?
If you don’t, #1 The problem continues and #2 it is usually not
good for your own health to bottle up what needs to be said.
5.
The “silent” treatment – sometimes, silence speaks as loudly as
if one is yelling. There are
times when this is NOT good. If
something is not taken care of because of “the silent treatment” it can
cause great strain on a marriage.
G.
Be easy to communicate with – be reasonable and friendly.
1.
Many things go unsaid because they know if they do say something a
fight is inevitable or something unpleasant will happen.
They know it is one who is not interested in listening.
2.
If we truly want to go to heaven, we will WANT to know if there is
some fault in our life. We will
want our brethren to come to us.
3.
Similarly, if we want our homes to be godly and strong, we ought to
be of a disposition that our spouse will not be afraid to tell us when
something is wrong.
4.
We know how important friendliness is in the world.
It is equally important with our families.
Remember Philippians 2:3-4 – “It’s not about you!”
H.
Don’t underestimate the power of an example
1.
We know we are to be proper examples – Matthew 5:16.
While words are powerful communicators, your actions speak even
louder. We’ve all heard the
saying, “I can’t hear what you are saying because of what I see!”
2. Why use visuals as
you teach, such as blackboards, PowerPoint, handouts, etc.?
Because people remember more of what they see.
And seeing and hearing combined make a greater impact.
3. Remember this as
you interact with your family. When
your spouse sees a look of disgust or indifference it can stifle meaningful
communication. When the man is
always angry it is hard to encourage children to be calm.
I.
Is it your goal to encourage?
1.
That ought to describe the communication of the Christian.
We want to build up our brethren and our families.
That is why we communicate and HOW we communicate.
2.
Proverbs 15:4 says, “The tongue that brings healing is a tree of
life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”
3.
Ephesians
4:29
– What is to proceed out of your mouth?
What is good and necessary for edification. That is why we have
disagreement and heated discussions – because we want to make our families
better and more godly.
4.
One concern here is the way we talk about our spouse in public.
One of the worst things we can do is tear down our spouse or children
in public. Yet far too many have
nothing nice to say about their wife or husband, or their children –
it’s always about what they are doing wrong and how miserable they are
making you.
Sometimes
we joke too much about these things. I
do not believe that jokes are necessarily wrong, but consider – how often
to you build up your spouse/children in public.
Is it clearly evident that you are kidding, or do they sense a hint
of truth in what you are saying? Do
they ever hear you compliment your spouse/children?
What do they hear more of?
5.
Husbands – how often do you tell your wife, “I love you!”
How do communicate that to her? She
needs to hear it more often than you do – that’s a part of dwelling with
her with understanding. How
often do your children hear about the good job they are doing?
That you love them?, etc.