Sunday, November 2, 2003 am

 GODLY FAMILIES IN AN UNGODLY WORLD
Family Problems 4 - How to Disagree

We are in the midst of a study about family problems.  We have talked about the problems of money and communication, two of the greatest issues of conflict within the family.  Today's lesson continues to deal with proper communication. 

It is inevitable that in every relationship (both within and without the family) there is going to be conflict and problems at time.  In most marriages there are arguments (some say all).  In fact, many marriages have them on a regular basis and some become heated and very stressful.  The fact that there is conflict is not the real problem; it is how you deal with it.  In our lesson this morning we want to outline some rules to consider as we "fight" with one another.  It is based on a lesson entitled, "Seven Rules for Fighting the Good Clean Fight" by Brent Hunter.  While this lesson is primarily geared toward disagreements within a marriage, you will see that we can and should apply these rules (as appropriate) whenever conflict arises.  The result will be stronger relationships with brethren, friends, your children, etc.

I.   Some Observations About Arguing

A.  God intends for the marriage relationship to be strong and vibrant - Proverbs 18:22; 31:10-11; Psalm 127:5; 1 Peter 3:7; Ephesians 5:25-31; Titus 2:4, etc.  Note: These verses are mentioned to impress upon our minds that a miserable marriage is NOT the way God intends for it to be.

B.   But what about the arguing and conflict?  Understand that they are NOT wrong within themselves. It is HOW you argue that will determine whether or not sin enters the picture.  God’s word clearly shows the need to address differences and the proper attitude in doing so.

C.  What do most couples argue about?  Studies show five traditional areas of conflict:

1.  Sexual intimacy

2.  Children (whether or not to have them and how to raise them)

3.  Money (2/3 of all divorces report financial strain as a major factor)

4.  In-laws (who is most important to you – your spouse or your parents?)

5.  "Tremendous Trifles – arguing over small, insignificant things – like hair in the sink, the way one eats, etc.  Usually, these “pet peeves” are NOT the actual issue but they are a symptom of a deteriorating relationship.  It has reached a point where one is looking for faults in everything.

6.  Added to these are new issues – who does the domestic chores (since the woman is now working a full time job) and how do we spend what little leisure time we have left.

7.  NOTE: The Bible has plenty to say about each of these areas and many others.

D.  What is the difference between happy and unhappy couples?

1.  Both happy and unhappy couples argue about the same things in the same amounts.  The difference is HOW they argue about them.

2.  Happy couples argue as if the issue is external to the relationship.  Their disagreements don’t change their views toward their spouse.  Dissolving or damaging the relationship isn’t even a consideration.  There is just something that needs to be worked through to relieve stress, etc.

3.  Unhappy couples get personal.  They make their spouse the problem.  They "hit below the belt" and go after the person instead of the problem.  When they get done “fighting” not only is the problem still present, now severe damage has been done to the relationship itself.

II.  Rules To Follow When You Disagree

    A.  Rule #1 - Do what you have to do to cool off!

1.  It is never good to argue when you are hot and near the point of eruption.

2.  Ephesians 4:26 – be angry and do NOT sin.  Understand that it is not wrong to be angry and there are even times when problems have to be addressed while still angry, but are you in complete control?

3.  Proverbs 29:20 – Don’t be hasty in your words.  Don’t say something in haste that you will regret in the near future.  Once something is said, IT CANNOT BE TAKEN BACK!

4.  Proverbs 30:33 – the forcing of wrath will produce strife

5.  Before you enter into an argument, do whatever you have to so that you cool off - Proverbs 19:11

   B.  Rule #2 - Argue with the Right Person

1.  Matthew 18:15 – does this apply to your spouse if they have sinned against you?

Luke 17:3-4 says that if your brother sins against you, you need to rebuke HIM.  And if he repents you forgive him.

A marriage relationship is far too valuable to destroy by not dealing with a problem.

2.  But sometimes when one is angry they take it out on the wrong person.  They “vent” toward someone who is completely innocent – the grocery clerk, the man who pulled out in front of you, etc.

3.  Proverbs 3:30 says, “Do not strive with a man without cause.  If he has done you no harm.”

4.  A big problem in our society today in the family is abuse.  Often abuse is sparked by anger.  Innocent children or a spouse is assaulted because of some problem somewhere else.

5.  If you truly love someone, you will go to him/her with the problem.  You will “speak the truth in love.”  Don’t be guilty of gossip.

   C.  Rule #3 - Argue about the Right Thing

1.  Many arguments are started over the wrong subjects. They are not about what is really wrong, but the latest issue.  When one is complaining about trifles it is almost certain that it is NOT the real problem

2.  If you really want to resolve a problem deal with THAT problem.  Ask yourself, “Is this really what I am arguing about?”

3.  Proverbs 15:7 says, “The heart of a righteous man studies how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.”

4.  Abel murdered Cain because he was unwilling to accept the truth (Genesis 4).  He was unwilling to address the real problem.

5.  As Jesus was being tried, charges changed from one “crime” to another as they changed venues.

   D.  Rule #4 - Argue at the Right Time

1.  Solomon wisely observed that there is a season fore everything - Ecclesiastes 3:1-11.  There is “a time to break down and a time to build up” and “a time to keep silence and a time to speak up”

2.  Many arguments go wrong because they are introduced at the wrong time.  For example, when one violates rule #1.

3.  Sometimes you are not in the right place to argue.  You may put your spouse in an awkward and embarrassing situation where they are forced to defend themselves.  You should NEVER argue in front of company, when you are tired or hungry, right when your spouse comes home (one study showed that 80% of arguments occur between 5-6 p.m. ), or when you don’t have time to discuss it (you bring up something as they are walking out the door), etc.

4.  Is your spouse ready to discuss what need to be discussed?  Remember your objective is to be productive in resolving a dispute.  Most discussions can wait awhile until an appropriate time.

5.  Eccl 8:5-6, “…a wise man’s heart discerns both time and judgment…”

6.  Proverbs 15:23 , “…a word spoken in due season, how good it is.”

   E.  Rule #5 - Don't Bring up past fights

1.  Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends.”

2.  A key element to proper forgiveness is learning to forget.  And we need to remember that God is going to forgive us the way we forgive others. 

3.  God forgets our past as He forgives - Hebrews 10:17; Ephesians 4:32

4.  Once an argument is resolved, it should be buried, HANDLE AND ALL.  When we dredge up the past, we are breeding mistrust and a lack of confidence.   Such could cause a spouse to give up and say, “What’s the use?” since nothing is ever really resolved.

   F.  Rule #6 - Avoid Name Calling

1.  There is no excuse for hurling insults at your loved ones.  There is NOTHING productive in it.  When you call names you have taken focus away from the problem and put it on the person.

2.  It will ruin one’s respect for you.  Often when insults are lobbed, it damages so deep that it takes years to overcome the hurt.

3.  Proverbs 15:1 – a soft answer turns away wrath

4.  Ephesians 4:29 says that we are to let no corrupt communication proceed out of our mouths.  Vs. 31-32 tell us to put away bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor and evil speaking with malice.  Name calling is ALWAYS done in malice.

5.   Such is a CURSE - see James 3:10, which ought not be so.

   G.  Rule # 7 - Avoid "Stamp Saving"

1.  Remember S & H Green Stamps? You would save them up and then redeem them.  That worked good for grocery shopping, but it is a bad idea when dealing with problems in marriage.  DON'T save up the problems to launch an all-out assault on your spouse at one time.

2.  Proverbs 17:9 – “He who covers a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates friends.”

3.  1 Peter 4:8  says that “love will cover a multitude of sins.”  The idea of covering means:

That you don’t reveal what doesn’t need to be revealed.  Love realizes it is not good to overwhelm.

You bury what has already been dealt with.

4.  When you save up your complaints, you may win the battle of words, but is it worth it if you crush your spouse or even kill the relationship?  And to top it off, THE PROBLEM IS USUALLY STILL THERE!

5.  This behavior usually means you haven't dealt with problems as they arose in the first place.  Remember what Paul said about "a little leaven" in the church? (1 Corinthians 5:6)

 Thus we can see some rules that will help us in dealing with conflict both within our families and without.