GODLY FAMILIES IN AN UNGODLY WORLD
Family Problems 6 - Marital Infidelity
As we continue our study of family problems, today we want to address something that is an obvious marital problem, marital infidelity. If there is anything that can destroy a marriage (and consequently the home) it is a spouse that is unfaithful. Yet it seems that adultery is something we have come to expect in this society. There are even some who say that it is normal and for a spouse to demand fidelity is unreasonable and old fashioned. Today we want to notice what the Bible says about this subject, discuss some things that can help avoid it and note how to deal with it IF it occurs.
I.
Marital Infidelity and God's Word
A. What is marital infidelity?
1. The Bible never uses the phrase “marital infidelity”, but it does make reference to the infidel is, which means “one who is without faith or trust” (Thayer).
2.
Webster defines it similar to this and adds the definitions, “2)
unfaithfulness to the marriage vow or contract; violation of the marriage
covenant by adultery. 3) Breach of
trust, unfaithfulness to a charge, or to a moral obligation; treachery,
deceit…” (1913 unabridged)
Marital infidelity is therefore unfaithfulness
to one’s spouse.
3. AND, the Bible makes In a word it is adultery which God’s word has much to say about.
4. Adultery is defined as, “one who has unlawful intercourse with the spouse of another” (Vine)
B. God's word about adultery
1. Under the Old Law it was one of the 10 commandments – Exodus 20:14
2. It carried the death penalty of both persons involved in the affair – Leviticus 20:10
3. Jesus taught about it often alluding to the Old Law – Matthew 5:27-28.
4.
He spoke of fornication as the only legitimate cause for divorce
(for the innocent spouse) – Matthew 19:9,
5.
Galatians
6. Add to this other related word, we find it something condemned at all times by God.
C. Why marital infidelity is so prevalent
1.
Understand that adultery or marital infidelity is a problem in our
society. Various sources cite
alarming statistics about adultery which also vary from between 24 & 60% in
the late 90’s for men and 14% & 40& for women.
http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2001/Feb-05-Mon-2001/living/15363489.html
Another study showed 70.9% of men 57.4% of women are unfaithful to their
marriage
http://www.umkc.edu/sites/hsw/affairs/
Still another statistic mentioned that 72% of marriages in the
Thus we can see we don’t have an accurate number, we know this, it happens TOO
MUCH and it IS sin.
2.
Society's views have become more tolerant – in researching this
topic numerous sites were found that gave reasons.
Numerous psychologists, divorce lawyers and private investigators noted
some reasons for “the affair”. Among
the four reasons mentioned by one was 1) relationships where the affair was
desirable because of one’s inability to provide for the needs of their spouse
(rare). Another reason dealt with
2)“open marriages” which means partners are permitted to have extramarital
relations and in some cases encouraged. The
psychologist noted that he had never seen an “open marriage” that worked.
Isn’t it interesting that one who gives no reference to godliness even
knows the tragedy of this?
The other two reasons stated are 3) tension & conflict in the relationship
and 4)individual character issues predisposing someone to extramarital
affairs”
Source: http://www.counselingnet.com/counselingnet/index.html
3.
The entertainment media and fornication.
I believe one of the reasons for the above mentioned attitudes is
Add to this the worship of celebrities who engage in extramarital affairs and
those who frequently divorce with little or no consequence.
4. Pornography – A great problem in our society today and growing increasingly worse. It often leads those who are entangled by it into affairs. Make no mistake about it, pornography can become addictive and as an addiction can be just as destructive as drugs, alcohol, gambling or any other addiction. It is introduced at an early age on regular television in a “soft” form which peaks one’s interest. As time and curiosity increases, searches for more extreme and intense forms of pornography progress, until it gains a grip in your life. This can lead to one not being satisfied with their one mate for life. Don’t forget the warning of Jesus in Matthew 5:27-29 about adultery of the heart. While I believe this to not be the same as the actual act, it is nonetheless just as sinful and it is often where the act actually begins, which was the point Jesus was making.
5. Poor marital communication and relationships. A major reason for adultery (and so many other marital problems) is relationships where the husband and wife are not what they ought to be. They don’t show love and respect for their spouse, they don’t look to satisfy their needs and they don’t spend enough time with them. The result is when someone gives them a little attention and treats them with respect, they are willing to give themselves to them. It has been proven that most affairs are a result of a troubled marriage rather than the root cause.
6. Having said all this understand that regardless of the reason, adultery is ALWAYS sinful. The reason does NOT justify the end result. Consider Ephesians 5:5-6.
7. The damage that an affair can do the home is clear. Not only does it destroy or severely damage the relationship, it can also cause serious problems with children who often blame themselves (and they are NEVER the real cause). We all know the horror stories of broken families and estranged relationships because of an affair. It is any wonder God’s word so strongly condemns such behavior?
A. Avoid temptations that lead to it
1. As Paul told Timothy, “Flee youthful lusts” – 2 Timothy 2:22.
2.
1 Corinthians
3. This is more than fleeing the actual act, but avoiding those situations that will intensify your temptation to engage in that behavior.
4. Men & women should avoid compromising situations where they are alone with one of the opposite sex.
5. Don’t go places or do things where your senses are dulled or excited – i.e. – sultry movies, drinking, etc.
6. Take measures to deal with pornography at every level, especially in your homes.
B. Husbands and Wives, fulfill your responsibilities.
1. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. Men and women were created with desires that are godly in their context. God provided marriage as the context to fulfill these desires. You have a responsibility to fulfill your duties.
2. These responsibilities are more than just the actual act. They involve developing the relationship to the point where the spouse is willing to give because their needs are being provided for. This is where the understanding comes in.
C.
Strive to be the mate you ought to be.
Most adultery occurs because they are not getting the affection and
attention they ought to get from their spouse.
NOTE that this does NOT excuse or justify fornication.
A strong relationship is something you have
to work at – wives HAVE to love their husbands and children – Titus 2:4.
Husbands HAVE to dwell with their wives with understanding – 1 Peter
3:7. Husbands HAVE to love their
wives – Ephesians 5:25. These are
all passages we have mentioned over and over (and will continue to do so) and
the words used require WORK!!!
D. Communicate – confront problems BEFORE they get a chance to grow into something worse.
A. Understand your rights - In God's eyes, the INNOCENT party has the right to put away the guilty party.
1. Matthew 19:9 states it clearly. In spite of all the controversy among brethren about what this means, when all is said, IT SAYS WHAT IT SAYS.
2. IF one commits adultery, they have broken the covenant they made before God and their spouse (and witnesses) to be faithful. God views this violation so serious, it is the ONLY the cause for which He approves of divorce and then ONLY the innocent spouse has the right to remarry. This means that IF YOU CHEAT, you may have to become celibate for the rest of your life if your innocent spouse exercises his/her right to divorce you.
3. Not enough think about this as they throw away their marriage and family for a moment of sensual gratification.
4. Without much comment I do want to say that one ought to ask, “Am I REALLY innocent?”
B. Considering forgiveness
1.
Forgiveness is a part of Christianity.
The way we forgive is how God will forgive us – Matthew 6:14-15;
2. No matter what someone else has done to you, to forgive him/her pales in comparison to what God has forgiven us.
3. If your spouse has been unfaithful and comes and asks for your forgiveness, you HAVE to forgive him/her. But forgiveness does not mean you cannot exercise your rights.
4. But there are many reasons why one might want to give their spouse another chance – including the children, if there is reason to believe their spouse is sincere in their repentance, etc.
5. BUT also there are times when the relationship needs to be resolved. When there are repeated violations of the covenant there may come a time when what is best for your righteousness is to dissolve the relationship.
C. Rebuilding the relationship –
1. Understand that with the marriage, rebuilding is going to take hard work.
2. You HAVE to be honest in your relationship with one another. The problem areas have to be identified and dealt with. (Remember our lessons about communication)
3. The guilty party is the one with the greater responsibility – you destroyed the trust and trampled underfoot the covenant. It is YOUR responsibility to repair it.
4. Resolve to put God first – Psalm 127:1 – Unless the Lord builds the house…
5. Remove temptations – You may need to move, change what you are doing and where you are going. But to save a marriage, it is worth it.
6. Seek the help of others – associate with your brethren. You probably need marriage counseling (seek one who believes in the principles of the Bible).
Truly marital infidelity is a tragedy. It is something that can be avoided if we are committed to God and to one another. But if the problem arises, it HAS to be dealt with in a godly manner. It is my hope and prayer that what has been said today can help make our families and our marital relationships stronger and what God would have them to be.