Family Problems 8 - Children
As we continue to examine problems in the family today we want to focus on problems with children. Most of us are blessed with pretty good children. And for that we ought to be truly thankful. But that does not mean that they are perfect or that there will never be problems. We live in a society where too many children are dealing with very serious problems that were unheard of or not nearly as severe a few decades ago. There are the concerns about self-awareness, acceptance, depression and tendencies toward rebellion. Because of poor parenting, many children have to work these problems out themselves and in so doing they are going to make mistakes, some of which might actually make their problems worse. One of the biggest dangers we face as parents is complacency in thinking that our children are exempt from the temptations that lead to rebellion and other serious problems. So today we want to notice some problems we might face as parents and problems children face and notice how they affect the family. Again, we will see the answers in God’s word.
A. Unwanted or neglected children
1. Sadly we live in a time when there are many children who are simply not wanted. We read about children that are left in dumpsters or deserted at hospitals. As sad as that is, an even sadder picture is a child living in a home where he/she is not really wanted. Parents see their children as a liability or a hindrance to own pursuits. And they let them know it. It is not fair to the children to blame them – they did not choose to come into this world, parents chose (either responsibly or irresponsibly) to bring them into this life.
2. We also hear much about children who are abused. Some of the saddest stories on the news involve innocent children who are abused, neglected or even worse – whether it be physical, mental or spiritual. Such is about as ungodly as one can get. Consider Paul’s warning to Timothy in 1 Timothy 5:8
3. Also consider EVERY passage that directs a parent on the responsibilities you have – Ephesians 6:4; Titus 2:6; Proverbs 22:6, etc. For these God will hold US accountable.
B. Rebellious children
1. Perhaps one of the most difficult things a parent might have to deal with is a child who is rebellious. Thankfully, not all children are rebellious, but when one is – problems are going to be multiplied.
2.
How God feels about rebellious children is outlined in the Old
Testament –
Deuteronomy 21:18-21, "If a man has a
stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the
voice of his mother, and who, when they have chastened him, will not heed
them,19 then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out
to the elders of his city, to the gate of his city.20 And they shall say to the
elders of his city, 'This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious; he will not
obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.'21 Then all the men of his city
shall stone him to death with stones; so you shall put away the evil from among
you, and all Israel shall hear and fear.”
Deuteronomy 27:16, “‘Cursed is the one
who treats his father or his mother with contempt.' "And all the people
shall say, 'Amen!'”
Proverbs 19:26, “He who mistreats his
father and chases away his mother Is
a son who causes shame and brings reproach.”
Proverbs
Notice also 1 Samuel 15:23
3. The sad thing about rebellion is that there is no definite answer that is guaranteed to work. But there are some things to consider:
a. It is usually preventable. How? With proper parenting. The primary reason why teens rebel is to get attention. They may turn to their peers for music, fashions, etc., but as a rule they want their parents impact on the important decisions of life.
b.
Spend time with your children.
11,572 teens were surveyed and asked what they thought would help prevent
bad behavior. The answer – TIME: 4
crucial times – in the morning, after school, dinner time and at bed.
You HAVE TO make the time for them. http://www.focusonyourchild.com/develop/art1/A0000633.html
Another study of 527 teenagers showed that parents who ate dinner together 5 times or more per week were the least likely
to get in trouble with drugs, the law and depression.
Consider the value of eating together – a time to pray (James
Consider Deuteronomy 6:6-8. As one
writer said it, “Children spell love – T-I-M-E” (Dr. Anthony P. Witham)
This HAS to start BEFORE they reach the stage of potential rebellion
c.
Teach them about accountability.
Our children need to know what accountability is about.
They need to know there are consequences to their actions.
That is why we punish them when they do wrong (Hebrews 12:9-10; Proverbs
Prov. 22:15- foolishness is bound up
in the heart of a child. The rod of
correction will drive it far from him”) and
we praise them when they do right.
As parents we need to hold them accountable when they break the rules.
AND that means there has to be rules.
d.
Teach them about what God expects.
SHOW THEM! Example speaks
louder than words. Many teens rebel
because they see the hypocrisy of their parents.
DON’T quit parenting too early. Many
parents are involved early in the child’s life, but then they begin to
“phase out” as they grow up. While
a time needs to come when we let them go, don’t do it too early or too fast.
e. Let them be themselves. Every child needs to develop and that means that they have to be given the chance to live and make mistakes and learn from them. The key is to set boundaries. And as long as they respect those boundaries, they should have freedoms.
4. If a child IS rebelling – again there is no easy answer.
a. Pray to God for wisdom and strength.
b. If you have sinned, repent. Let your child know if you have done wrong.
c. Take charge of the home. Announce your change in strategy.
d.
Set reasonable
boundaries and enforce them. This is
very difficult to do, but it is a must. They
have to know that they cannot continue to live that way and get away with it in
your house. It is not fair to the
rest of the family that is trying to do what is right.
Jude 22-23; 1 Corinthians 5:5
Consider 2 Thessalonians 3:6 – while it applies to the church, should we not
also consider this in our families when one is destroying it as those of whom
Paul was writing were destroying the church?
e.
Reassure them that you do care and that you do love them.
They may not act like they appreciate it, but deep down they do.
Consider the prodigal son – Luke 15:11-32
(Based on When Teens Rebel, by Robert Russell, http://home.christianity.com/topics/familyandrelationships/familylife/49922.html
)
f. Also, we have to learn to forgive as we struggle with getting right.
C. Children with poor morals
1. Usually poor morals are related to rebelling. They too are most often the product of poor parenting. Parents either don’t teach or else they fail to restrain their children. Remember what happened to the sons of Eli because he didn’t restrain them? 1 Samuel 3:13
2. Dealing with this is virtually the same as with rebellion. Teach them early and teach them often. The only difference being what you would do within the home – you have to prepare a moral environment.
3.
The reason children use profanity and desire to see what they
should not look at is because it is readily available to them.
Think about that as you notice what is on the television in your home and
the type of magazines you are reading and the music you are listening to.
II.
Children Problems
A. Most serious problems that children have deal with their emotions. They become concerned about what others think of them and it bothers them. Our job as parents is to put their minds in proper perspective.
B. Poor self-esteem
1.
First of all it needs to be understood that good wants us to think
highly of ourselves. Romans 12:3
speaks of not thinking TOO highly of ourselves, but even that says we ought to
have a good view of who we are. Paul
demonstrated great confidence as he served God – he KNEW who he believed in (2
Timothy
The challenge is to feel good while
not being arrogantly prideful.
2. To the child with poor self-esteem, let them know that there are those who DO care. Let them know that YOU care and are there for them.
3. Let them know what is REALLY important in this life – it is serving God.
4. If they know they are not right with God – help them make their lives right. Support them in their efforts.
5. By the way, it is worthy of note that children should not receive the same types of insults and put-downs when they attend worship the way they do at church. Its hard enough dealing with this problem at school and in the world. Parents ought to exercise a zero-tolerance policy toward their own children teasing and taunting their brethren. Such is NOT godly behavior – Ephesians 4:29
C. Peer pressures
1. Children often experience problems because of their peers. Maybe they don’t have the right clothes; they are concerned about their looks, their abilities to interact at school, etc.
2.
Note 2 Corinthians
3. As parents we need to assure our children that God doesn’t view success the same way the world does. It is not important to God that you are accepted by the world. What is important is that you obey Him. It is a concept that is easier to say than it is to apply, because we have to deal with the world and our children have so much greater pressures that we had. Parents: What is important to you? What are you emphasizing to your children? The values you present will be the foundation upon which you address their problems and concerns.
Truly, there are many other problems that our children face and that we face as parents. In these we again see the need to turn to God’s word for strength and understanding as to what is right, but not necessarily easy. Notice that in addressing all of these problems there is a need for hard work and effective communication. Our best chance is preventative. If we as parents will take our responsibilities seriously we can prevent many of these problems before they have a chance to affect our homes. Truly, Solomon knew what he was talking about when he said, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6). Next week, we will conclude this study.