Sunday, November 27, 2011 am
Preparing for Marriage (2)
As
we continue our study of the home we are in the midst of discussing
preparations for marriage.
We have laid the ground work with principles that one must understand
before you even consider marriage – including an understanding of what
the purpose of marriage is and how God intends that it be for life
(marriage should not be entered into with divorce as an option).
Last week we discussed when this preparation is to begin noting
that it starts with parents teaching their children at the earliest of
ages, both in message and by example.
There is great probability that what they are taught and observe
will have an impact on who they choose to marry (cf. Prov. 22:6).
We
also discussed how marriage needs to begin right.
We noted some wrong reasons to get married (to get out of the
house, because you “have to”, for material reasons, or thinking “when we
get married I will change him/her”) and we gave some thoughts on knowing
if we are making the right decision about the one we are going to marry
(Do I REALLY love him/her? Is God pleased with my selection? What do my
parents, elders and true friends think? What type of background does
he/she come from? And, what do my instincts say?).
With these thoughts in mind today we want to discuss some thoughts about
dating, the engagement period and address the question of whether you
should marry a Christian.
I.
Concerning dating
a.
Dating and courting
i.
Dating as
we know it, is a part of American (and much of the world’s) culture as a
way for people to enjoy one another’s company and to become better
acquainted with them. The word
can mean many different things from a boy and girl enjoying time
together with a group, to two people spending time together without a
group, to the more serious form of dating that used to be called
courting. It is often engaged in with the view toward finding the one to
consider becoming their spouse.
ii.
Courting is
a time of dating when one takes particular interest in another person.
This period of time is when the relationship becomes closer and
often more personal. It is
here where decisions are made to determine if one’s interest is a
suitable match for marriage.
iii.
The engagement
is a period of time when a couple has decided and declared that they
intend to marry one another.
Obviously, during this time the dating becomes more serious and
preparations are made toward the marriage.
When in the Bible we read of the betrothal period, it is in some way
related to what we call an engagement, though there are significant
differences, including that such was often considered a legally binding
arrangement (contractual and/or with a dowry) and the spouse was often
chosen by the parents. The
best known example of betrothal was Joseph and Mary the mother of Jesus
(Matt. 1:18-19).
This is a time when a couple really needs to do all that they can to get
to know one another as well as possible and determine if they are truly
compatible. It is imperative
that they be totally honest with one another if they want a marriage to
be as God intends for it to be.
b.
Parents and dating
i.
Like preparing for
marriage, dating starts with the parents.
Considering that it can lead to choosing the one who they will
marry, we BETTER be concerned about it and make sure that we have laid
the proper foundation BEFORE they begin dating.
ii.
Parents – you ARE in
charge! Prov. 22:6, Eph. 6:4
– bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
iii.
Make sure your children
are ready – with dating, a lifetime of teaching is put into practice.
1.
Parents - it is
important that you speak with your children about dating and find out
what they think it involves.
Not everyone defines the word the same way.
2.
Let them learn from you
rather than from their peers at school, etc.
3.
How do they act?
Are they responsible?
How do they dress? What type
of people are they associating with (1 Cor. 15:33)
If they are begin rebellious or acting wildly – they should NOT be
dating unsupervised.
iv.
Set boundaries – your
boundaries are not about being popular.
1.
May I suggest this is a
good time to be a little “old fashioned”?
2.
Know WHO they are
dating. It used to be that a
boy would meet the parents before a date with their daughter was even
considered. That is NOT a
bad practice! If your
children don’t want you to know who they are associating with – that
COULD be a warning!
3.
Know WHERE they are and
set curfews. Enforce them.
Don’t forget 1 Thess. 5:5-7 which speaks of what is associated
with the night.
4.
“You don’t trust me!” is
often the line that is given.
The truth is not that I don’t trust you as a person, but I don’t
trust your inexperience and youth.
Maybe I don’t know or trust the one you want to date.
5.
We have been there.
We know that youth is a time of experimentation, exploration,
peer pressure and inexperience.
If we want what is best, we will strive to help our children
avoid these pitfalls. Prov.
19:18 says, “Chasten your son
while there is hope, and do not set your heart on his destruction.”
Prov. 29:17, “Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes he will
give delight to your soul.”
While these verses may be dealing primarily with punishment, the
intended goal applies to ALL forms of discipline.
We are talking about how we will act if we love our children.
v.
Better to err on side of
safety than permissiveness.
We hear of the father who says his daughter can date when she is 45.
While it is said jokingly, it expresses serious concerns.
Christians don’t live on the borderline of sin (after all we know
who owns “the fence”).
Realize that sometimes they NEED YOU to make decisions for them.
They need you to say “no”.
AT times it may give them the “out” as they deal with their
friends. Be willing to “take
the blame” if it will help your children.
vi.
Make sure your children
know you love them and care about them.
This seems obvious, but when you have forbidden your daughter or
son to go on a date, they deserve some sort of explanation.
And they also need reassurance.
If they know you love them, they may not like your decisions, but
they are more likely to respect you in making them.
c.
Rules for dating
i.
Remember your Creator in the days of your youth
– Eccl. 11:9-10, 12:1
1.
One day you will answer
for your conduct. Know that
God IS watching at all times.
2.
Know that you are
accountable. If you
think you are NOT accountable, then you are NOT old enough to be dating!
ii.
Do not use the same standard as the world
– 1 John 2:15-17 applies here.
Christians need to know the difference between inner beauty and
outer beauty (2 Cor. 10:7, 1 Sam. 16:7) Only court with one you would
consider marrying and may he/she only be one of a sufficient character
to enhance your faith.
iii.
Realize your parents are in charge. Even if you are
a young adult, they are still your parents and should be honored.
If you are under their roof (or care) whatever rules they set go
– like it or not! If you
don’t like their rules – move out, support yourself and prove your
independence. Which leads to
our next point:
iv.
Are you responsible enough? How have you
proven yourself to your parents?
NOTE: Different children mature at different ages.
v.
Flee fornication!
1.
We have discussed this
already. Many passages are straight forward about this
2.
Avoid lust – 1 Pet.
2:21.
Don’t put yourself in situations where you will be tempted
The urge is strong and natural
3.
Learn self-control –
above all things, we need self-control at all times
4.
Sowing “wild oats” you
will reap what you sow – Gal. 6:7-8.
Once you lose your virginity, you cannot get it back (you can
repent, but that is gone!)
II.
Concerning the
engagement period
a.
There is not much
difference concerning the above rules – they still apply.
But now things are much more serious.
You are only ONE STEP away from the one with whom you will spend
the rest of your life. You
have found someone with whom you are compatible and now you begin making
preparations.
b.
Am I ready to get
married?
i.
Long engagements are a
good thing, especially in the superficial society we live in.
The better you get to know someone, the more stable your
relationship will be.
ii.
Do you understand your
objectives and roles? Both men and women.
Are you ready to fulfill your roles?
Are you prepared for children?
Do you know the purposes of marriage and are you ready to accept
your part in those things?
iii.
Are you ready to make the necessary sacrifices?
The selfishness of our society is so prevalent around us.
You better understand up front, that successful relationships
require you to think more about your spouse and family and their needs
than about yourself.
Phil. 2:3 says, “Let nothing be
done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let
each esteem others better than himself.”
While Paul’s primary thought here concerns the way Christians are
to treat one another (and those of the world), the attitude would
certainly include the way we treat our spouses and our family.
Paul dealt with this in MORE detail in 1 Cor. 7:4-5, Eph. 5:28-29, etc.
iv.
Men
- can you provide for your family?
Are you ready to take responsibility for the home?
Women – are you
willing to submit to this man?
Are you ready to fulfill your God given role?
IF children come along, are you ready to raise them?
v.
Friends, if there are ‘RED FLAGS’ you need to pay careful attention.
It is NOT too late cancel an engagement up until the moment you
exchange vows. It may be
painful and there may be some consequences (financial arrangements,
broken hearts, etc.) but I will GURANTEE you that these consequences are
inconsequential compared to those you will face if you marry the wrong
person!
vi.
Reasonable doubt
– we understand this concept in courts of law.
There is always a hint of doubt.
And when one is considering marriage, there is going to be some
doubt. IF it is not there, I
would be concerned. But my
point is that if you have made preparations and seriously thought it
through you will KNOW if you are ready and if the one you are
considering is the right one.
c.
The rules of dating are
still in effect – you are NOT married!
Flee fornication!
Avoid lust. Be a Christian!
Listen to your parents (and others)!
d.
Discuss your future to
the best of your ability.
III.
Should I marry a
Christian?
a.
As I have studied God’s
word, I am not fully convinced that it would be a sin to marry one who
is not a Christian, but I am very convinced that it is unwise.
b.
The Bible gives examples
dealing with this
i.
Deut. 7:3-4 – under the
Old Law, Israelites were forbidden to marry foreigners.
ii.
Both Ezra 10 & Nehemiah
13 give examples of Jews marrying foreign wives who they were commanded
to put away because they were unlawful.
iii.
Remember what happened
to Solomon – 1 Kn. 11:4
iv.
2 Corinthians 6:14 –
marrying an unbeliever can put one into a circumstance where you are
unequally yoked with an unbeliever.
While the text is not specifically about marriage, that
relationship certainly applies.
c.
Remember that if you
marry an unbeliever, you will have problems with your spiritual
“father-in-law”! There are
many areas you need to think about:
i.
Will your spouse allow
you to worship God properly (and often)?
ii.
Will he/she support you
in your faith?
iii.
When you are struggling
with spiritual issues, will your spouse encourage you to do the right
thing?
iv.
What is going to happen
when children come along?
v.
Will you be allowed to
“lay by in store” according to God’s instructions?
vi.
What will your home life
be like? Can you pray and
study openly? Can you
discuss the Bible with others in their presence?
vii.
What influence will
his/her religion have on you?
d.
Statistics on marrying
Christians/non-Christians
i.
A number of years ago, a
church in Oklahoma a church kept records of its youth as they grew up
and married over a twenty year period.
They took notes concerning those who married Christians and those
who married non-Christians.
There were about 120 couples in that study.
ii.
The results of their
including the following statistics:
1.
70 married
non-Christians & 48 married Christians.
2.
Of those who married
non-Christians – 49 of the Christians became unfaithful and fell away;
19 of these divorced. 12
converted their mates.
3.
Of those who married
Christians – 45 (of 48) remained faithful.
3 became unfaithful and 2 of these divorced.
iii.
It DOES matter who you
marry. If you choose to
marry a non-Christian, you are making your ability to remain faithful to
God much more difficult. And
you run a much greater risk of falling away.
And
thus we can see some things to consider, in accord with God’s word, as
we address preparation for marriage.
The decisions we make in these things will have a direct bearing
on the quality of our lives upon this earth, and perhaps even upon our
eternal destiny. Don’t leave
God out of this decision!
Think about it!